HELLO SANTA! I WANT ABUBAKAR SHEKAU’S HEAD FOR CHRISTMAS

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“Where is Abubakar Shekau?” they asked me time after time, with the barrels of their rusty AK-47 pointing directly to my head. “Where is your leader hiding?” a more senior officer who had been quiet for most part of the interrogation thundered; to probably suggest to me that he was gradually losing his cool. With tears and blood rolling down my eyes I turned to the officer who evidently had a little pity in his eyes out of the rest “I am not a member of Boko Haram sir. Am not even a Muslim (Shiite or Sunni), in fact I am nobody” I implored inaudibly, as I gasped for more air.

This grueling examination has been going on for the most part of nine hours and I was totally exhausted. My whole face swollen from the repeated jabs from either the butt of their guns or their big fists. I was captured along Buduwa area in Bama Local Government Area of Borno State. I was a freelance journalist who had gone to the terror-torn area to confirm the reports from government sources that Boko Haram will finally be defeated by the end of December 2015.

I was on the verge of transitioning from a freelance journalist to the cat that was killed because of his curiosity. “If you don’t tell us the truth, walahi I am sorry for you and your generation” the fierce looking officer who had been smoking what looked like hemp warned. My generation? I thought. 

NIGERIAN FEMALE SCIENTISTS WIN L'OREAL, UNESCO AWARDS

L’Oréal and The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has announced the recipients of the 2015 L’Oréal-UNESCO For Women in Science Sub-Saharan Africa Regional Fellowships. Among the 12 outstanding female scientists are four Nigerians. They were honoured for their work and impact in the scientific field.

The recipients of the Post-Doctoral Fellowships of 10 000 Euros each are:

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO SUGABELLY

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I first heard about this story from a colleague over lunch on Friday and we just talked about it casually and went about our normal duties. It was only on Saturday evening when the wife of my very good friend mentioned it again that I decided to pay more attention to the story. I can understand why most women empathize with Lotanna Odunze a.k.a Sugabelly and believe she was savagely raped by Mustapha Audu and his brigade of rapists as she alleged but there are a lot of inconsistencies with her Super-story.

According to Wikipedia, rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or against a person who is incapable of valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, or below the legal age of consent.

A TALE OF THEIR BIAFRA AND OUR NIGERIA: THE REFLECTIONS OF A BIAFRAN-NIGERIAN

If they give us BIAFRA tomorrow morning, what are we going to do with it? That was the thought that filled my head as I watched able-bodied young men and women of Igbo descent chanting war songs and causing carnage through the streets of Onitsha, Owerri, Aba, Port-Harcourt, Abakaliki and Enugu in their agitation for ‎the freedom of BIAFRA. It was immediately clear that majority if not all of them actually don’t know what they are asking for. Trust me, they are blinded by ignorance and if they die because of their misguided hotheadedness, their deaths would be in vain.

The sequence of events that sparked the secession of Odumegwu Ojukwu led BIAFRA from Nigeria in May 1967 was quite different. It started with the massacre of Igbos in Northern Nigeria as a result of the unfortunate events of the January 1966 coup led by Major Kaduna Nzeogwu which led to major casualties including the Sarduana of Sokoto, Ahmadu Bello; the prime minister of Nigeria, Tafawa Balewa. It was largely believed to be an Igbo coup that was targeted against the ruling northern elite.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUDGE ME?

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That girl you called a slut today, is actually a virgin for the records. I know you don’t believe me because you saw her rocking a Peruvian hair with lips almost dripping of red lipsticks and donning a miniskirt that barely held her vibrating buttocks. Yes! She is still a virgin.

We are often quick to judge people who do not meet up to our moral expectations and attempt to impose our standards on them. We move around criticizing and searching for faults in people, even where there is little or no evidence to back it up. We spend more time condemning others than we spend evaluating our own actions. Hence, becoming self-righteous judges and career hypocrites.

DON'T WORRY, TOMORROW DOESN'T EXIST

Yesterday, I was worried about what was going to happen today. And today has finally come and I am worried about what will happen tomorrow. I was quite anxious to know if everything I had hoped for would come to pass and if the things I didn’t wish for will pass away.

Why do we worry so much about tomorrow when we cannot guarantee that we will see tomorrow in the first place? We keep worrying about tomorrow like anyone promised us there will be a tomorrow. The only thing that we have ever been guaranteed is now and it is left for us to make the best of it.

Every moment we spend worrying about tomorrow is a moment where we sacrifice the joys of today for the future we may not have. Why worry about tomorrow, when tomorrow can worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own, so seize the moment and enjoy it. Worrying never takes away tomorrow’s troubles, it only takes away today’s peace of mind. If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry it won’t tomorrow either.

THE LOVERHOLIC X-RAYS: RELATIONSHIP APPRAISALS

How do you determine if you are fulfilled in a relationship? Do you even evaluate your relationship, or you just let it flow? What standards do you consider when evaluating your relationship? Are you living in denial of the true state of your relationship? How do you decide when to stay or when to move on? Are you wasting your relationship by being in a relationship? These questions may sound a bit too serious but studies show that couples who conduct a regular appraisal of their relationship are far more fulfilled.

Last week I went to see a very good friend of mine. Our previous meeting had being on Valentine’s Day this year and it was quite memorable. She is one of the few women who hold a special place in my heart. And one of the few people who would look me in the eyes and tell me the truth, even when it hurts. Something the loverholic cherishes in his women and in people overall. She is also very caring, intelligent, devoted and full of humour; all being qualities the loverholic admires greatly.

She belonged to the hollandis category of wife material, and by a lot of yards. This is a fact she always takes into account in her relationships. Which is why she became uneasy when she perceived I was taking our relationship for granted. Things have been going up and down lately and she wanted us to meet and appraise the relationship. To be honest, this was the first time I would hear of a relationship appraisal. I was quite familiar with performance appraisals at work but not in relationships.

JESSICA EDIONWELE: KIDNAPPED WITH LOVE

A few days ago a story emerged of a young lady, simply known as Jessica Edionwele, who was declared missing by her family. It turned out she was the daughter of Hon. Joseph Edionwele, representing the good people of Esan Constituency, Edo State at the National Assembly. She was reported to have left Ibadan, for Lagos to board an aircraft to Abuja. A corps member serving in Oyo state, she was said to have landed in Abuja safely but took an airport taxi that disappeared into thin air.

After waiting for their daughter to come back home safely, the family was thrown into pandemonium by nightfall as Jessica was nowhere to be found. So they declared her missing and the search was on for ‘Nigeria’s Sweetheart’. Nigerians all over the world joined her family and friends in fervent prayers for her safe return. Social and mainstream media went agog with the story and her case became a national prayer point.

A FRIEND IN NEED OR A FRIEND INDEED

Every day comes with new opportunities, new challenges, new inspiration and new friends. With the advent of social media, it has become increasingly inevitable to become companionless. 

Every day we meet someone new either via Blackberry Messenger, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin. Certain folks would add Instagram, Wechat, Facetime, 2go and Badoo to their connection paths. And when you add the female element to mix, it leaves you overwhelmed.

The intriguing part of friendship is that you might not be able to tell the motive of your new acquaintance or the impact they would have in your life. Some friendships are premeditated, others are accidental. Some will aim to improve you while others will come to run you down. 

Some friends are just there for the enjoyment, others will be there even at the most difficult periods. Some will leave you with lasting memories and others leave you with lasting scars. Some would end up as enemies while others will be end up as families.

FORTY FIVE SHADES OF INSPIRATION

There is nothing like a Monday morning. You wake up feeling so charged up with positive vibrations and renewed expectation that all you had hoped for the previous week will come to fruition. Deep down you know it's not going to be an easy week, because you will be faced with numerous circumstances that drain your energy. So here is some Monday morning inspiration that hopefully will keep you going in the face of whatever life throws at you this week.

1. Take kindness with you everywhere you go and deposit it at every stop you make. Don’t expect to get it back. 

2. If you expect people to be kind to you because you are kind to them, you are like the man who expects the lion not to eat him because he doesn’t eat lions. 

3. Appreciate those who love you. Help those who need you. Forgive those who hurt you. Forget those who leave you. 

4. Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve some peace of mind. 

5. Love people for whom they are and not for what you can get from them. We all need someone that will love us just the way we are.