FOR SECOND WIVES ONLY

Over the weekend I was having a rather interesting conversation with my cousin about settling down. I had asked when she was finally going to introduce me to her fiancee. I was only evading the question myself as she constantly bugged me with the same issue. Looking rather unsettled, it was obvious she was not seeing anyone in particular. So I went on to inquire what had become of all the men she had told me about in the past.

After what seemed like eternity, she disclosed to me that one of her suitors was married and the other was engaged to be married. I could tell from her countenance that the issues she had with both of them were resolvable if they were patient enough. She agreed with me and admitted she still felt something deep for one of them but there was nothing she could do about it.

And I asked her “Would you like to become a second wife?” Her blank gaze was enough for me to come to the conclusion that she is not ready to share her man with anyone. A lot of women share the same sentiment as my cousin. Most women don’t want to be ‘the other woman’. It was far more acceptable in the past for an African man to have more than one wife (Both my paternal and maternal grandfathers had three each) but not anymore.

Today, it is has become increasingly difficult for women to share their husbands. No little girl grows up with a dream of becoming a second wife. Even the ones who are compelled to, certainly don’t share them in equal halves. So it got me thinking, why is it so difficult for a single girl to marry a married man?

First and foremost, it takes a single woman with plenty of guts to fall in love with a married man. However, the game becomes more dangerous when she decides to marry him. This is because there is a tendency for the relationship to go out of hand.

A single woman decides to become a second wife to a wealthy man in spite of the abject horror of the polygamous arrangement. I am assuming you already know that love was the least on her agenda. No single woman no matter how crazy she is becomes a second wife just because of love. My people would say, if you must eat a toad, you must eat one laden with eggs.

The first wife is not always a fool. So, the second wife should have no business acting like an angel and hoping that everything will fall in place. The first lady will most certainly declare a total war on you for invading her territory. She knows you are on a mission and she will stop at nothing to make it impossible.

A second wife should not attempt to measure up to the first wife. It can be quite a challenge but obsessing over the woman that was there before you can be unhealthy and will only cause more problems for you. Also, the insecurity created by the man taking a second wife causes the first wife to harbour resentment which is then transferred to her children.

A second wife is solely responsible for her future and that of her children if she is lucky to have any. Her children’s need comes after that of the children of the first wife and the husband’s finances are never equally divided between the two wives

Another problem faced by a second wife is the way she is perceived at family gatherings where you and the first wife may have to battle for popularity. In reality the second wife has to be willing to win the family members over by making some concessions.

Terrible things can happen to second wives. Any second wife who is not equipped for the battle will end up playing the fool. It is sometimes better when they even have the support of the in-laws. In the absence of such reinforcement, she is pitted against the first wife, the in-laws, the husband and the mistresses (Yes, you are not the last mistress standing) to mention but a few. Surprise, surprise! Life is not just you and your husband.

You can blame the first wife for not keeping the husband happy enough or blame the second wife for trapping the innocent man when she knew he was already married. However you look at it, it is difficult to justify whether a man needs a second wife in the first place.

#HappiestManInTheWorld

THOU ART LOOSED: POWERFUL QUOTES ON LETTING GO AND MOVING ON

One of the hardest lessons is letting go. Whether it is guilt, love, anger, loss or betrayal. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. Letting go of someone or something that you can't change and giving yourself peace of mind is a very important ingredient to having a beautiful life.

I have highlighted 25 powerful quotes that would help in letting go and moving on.

1. You don’t realize the heaviness of what you have been carrying until you feel the weight of its release. Sometimes you have to let some things go, so there is room for something better in your life. 
2. You have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. Letting go of them is hard but holding unto them is impossible. 
3. Sometimes you need to walk away, not to let someone else realize how worthy you are but for you to understand and acknowledge your own self worth. 
4. You have to let go of your fears to catch your destiny.
5. Sometimes you have to do something you have never done before, in order to have something you have never had. 
6. Distance yourself from some people. If they care, they will notice but if they don’t you will know where you stand.
7. Sometimes you have to let go of the people you want, in order to get the people you need. 
8. Sometimes it’s better to let go of someone that we care about, not because we really want to; but because we care about their happiness more than ours. 
9. There are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes the changes we don’t want are the changes we need to grow. 
10. You have to let go of toxic people because all they do is take, take and take; leaving you empty. 
11. Sometimes you have to let go of something precious in order to get something priceless. 
12. You have to be strong enough to let go and be patient enough to wait for what you deserve. 
13. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold onto something or someone, the more they want to get away. You have to realize that true freedom comes from letting go of the difficult things. 
14. Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us even if it’s killing us to let them go. 
15. Sometimes you have to let go and be free. Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. 
16. Sometimes you just have to let go of what is gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what is coming. 
17. One of the most rewarding moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change. 
18. Sometimes it’s better to push someone away, not because you don’t love them but because you have to shield yourself from pain. 
19. Sometimes you just have to run away so that you can see who will run after you. 
20. Sometimes you have to learn from your past mistakes, even though you can’t change it; you will know better next time not to settle for less than what you deserve.
21. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak, it only means you are strong enough to let go of what you are not worthy of.
22. Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do; because sometimes you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you. It’s not pride, it’s called self respect. 
23. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. 
24. Sometimes we have to forgive, not because they deserve it; but because they need it, because we need it, and because we cannot let go and move forward without it.

I hope that this helps you as you chart a new and hopefully happier course in your life.