IF ONLY I KNEW: REFLECTIONS OF A LOVE LOST FOREVER

Every day, I tell myself I would get over this feeling. But deep down I know I will nurse this guilt for the rest of my life. Why did God bring you into my life, when he knew he will need you so soon? If only I knew it was for a short time, I would have loved you harder. You were so good that even heaven couldn’t wait to have you? Now my loss is heaven’s gain.

I remember when I first learnt of your demise. That moment I knew my world will never be the same. The next three hours were probably the hardest of my adult life. I don’t remember the last time I cried but that night I wept all through. A thousand tears will not bring you back. I realized this, because I have shed enough.

The first thing that attracted me to you was your smile. It was very contagious. I still search my memories for those moments you brought your sunshine into my life. No matter how many times I felt down, looking at your face was all I needed to be happy again. You would wrap your arms around me and tell me everything would be alright. You never stopped telling me how proud you were of me. I wasn’t just your friend, you saw me as a mentor and an inspiration.

At the point we were beginning to feel each other’s love a little more, you begged me to wait till you were done with school. You didn’t want the pressures of a love relationship to affect your studies. Every time I brought up the subject, you would say “A few semesters to go”. Then I was posted to the north for national youth service, and we kind of slowly drifted apart. We tried to keep up but I guess the distance was too much for us. But the love never faded.

Early this year you sent a message to say that you had moved to Lagos. You held high hopes of rekindling whatever was left of our love. I promised to come over and see you weekend after weekend. But something always came up or in truth I was just being selfish. If only I knew your weekends were numbered.

In your last few days on earth, your attempt to meet with me became more insistent. Like you knew the end was near. I was out of town, but promised to see you when I got back from my trip. Deep down I knew I was hurting you with my absence. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to see you but I was not in a good shape emotionally. And I was afraid you would fix me and keep me for good. Now look at how miserable I am.

I really loved you but it’s a shame I never really got to prove it to you. Maybe my love would have been enough to save you. I always thought we still had time. Now no woman in this world will ever understand me like you did.

Your death is killing me. A part of me is dead too and the pain will never heal. It’s not over for us, you are still my angel. You will stay with me until my very end. Too bad you are far away in heaven. I don’t have any more treasures on this earth. All my treasures are now in heaven.